work work work work work

What is one supposed to do about work?

There are two conflicting attitudes I regularly argue with about work;

1. work is work. Go in, do your best, go home and enjoy your life.

....vs...

2. you should do what you love! 

Here's what I think, My generation has been lied to. My parents told me I was special. My school told me I was special. Social media lets me tell the world that I am special. 

But here's the catch; there is absolutely nothing special about me. Never was, probably never will be. Disturbing? Yes.
Liberating? Even more so. 

I can't even begin to tell you about the shock I got when I realised I was an average girl. I really believed I was the best at everything. I hung on to people's comments to confirm this belief that I could go out and become a doctor because I got 10 / 10 and a gold star in my spelling test. Though I didn't crash all at once. 
It was a long fall back to earth. 

What's this got to do with work? Ok so I'll be the first to admit I probably chose the wrong study; General business studies with Italian. I had believed the Italian was a mistake but let's face it - it was the generic business studies that drained the life out of me. Anyway, it led me down the path of advertising. But I quickly felt like a fraud. I'd lived a life of being told I was the best at everything but starting my first job in advertising I was frozen to the spot. For the first time in my life I didn't know where to go. An eye opener? It should have been. But it wasn't. It was the slowest fall to earth in the history of all things falling. 

I thought I was in the wrong career. Felt resentful to colleagues, managers, friends, or anyone who wasn't pining for the weekend. I felt stupid. I avoided conversations where I thought I wouldn't know the answers. I compensated by trying to solve friends problems for them. I tortured myself all weekend over work I'd done - or was facing. 

What I didn't know - and really only found out recently - is that actually no one has the answers and no one has one fucking idea how things work. Everyone is bullshitting. And everyone is hustling; they get on with it. They just do. And they move things forward. And they read and they ask questions and they talk with others. And they learn. 

Basically, I measured myself on compliments and how many 'Well done's' I could get from other people. Making me resent every other type of comment and even other people's successes. And that's what causes depression and anxiety - not meeting the expectations that you gauge yourself on.

But now I've decided to measure myself differently, change my expectations of myself. I want to measure my success on how much I learn. And therefore I can set my own values and not give two fucks what anyone else says. 

If I don't know something;  I'll find out about it. And then I'll do it. And if it goes wrong I'll do it again a different way." That way then I'll learn more. This is not me being special. This is me accepting how bloody redundant I am and to get on with things anyway and achieve things for myself. 

I'm an avid hater of motivational mantras. However I read the below a while back and it resonated. Think I'll keep it close to hand.