Day 1

I think I'm in the midst of an existential life crisis. At 30, I've pretty much achieved all my life goals thus far. I didn't really think further than this. First world problems at its best. 

OK, let's see:

• College, done. 
• Live abroad, 3x done. 
• Get a good job, check.
• Quit said job and travel Asia, also done. 
• Volunteered to make myself feel good, yes. 
• Got other great jobs, 2x done. 
• Quit a shit job I didn't like, check (and probably not the last time either!)
• 'Settled down' with the love of my life and bought a house, yes.  
• Actually create a healthy and regular gym habit, (smugly) also done. 

I am proud of myself but now my actual daydreams consist of winning the lotto. So, you see, this is a problem for me, where does one go from here?

I've never suffered more from anxiety or self doubt. I think if I'm to be honest with myself I've always had a sort of goal to work towards, however much I tried to convey an image of someone who is fluid and can deal with things changing. I've actually had that list up there imprinted on the back of my brain and I've been mentally checking it off since I was born. 

Ok, so, if the above aren't enough to keep me chucking along, then how can I re-jig things so I don't absolutely lose my mind altogether? I am in the process of reading a book that I hope will help me to rethink what is actually important in life and how I action accordingly. Cliche, I know. But listen, don't we all have dreams of becoming more than we are? The unfortunate thing is that most of the time we manage to talk ourselves out of it or find an excuse to not work on our goals or blame someone or something and stay wrapped up in a blanket full of safe reassurances that's it's better to stay in the dreamland of your genius than to go and test it in reality. 

Chances are high that *maybe* I don't need a lightening strike of godly inspiration to get up off my arse and work towards something more. Maybe I don't need Netflix to chill. Maybe I need to set myself new goals and start working on them. Just start. 

I want to make the cross over. But Jesus I've no idea how. I've been this little miss perfect my whole life waiting for a pat on the head and a 'well done' from people I don't even care about. What made me so happy before makes me sick inside now. Funny. I'm going to have to have a long hard think about things.