HAZY AMBITION

What is one supposed to do about work? There are two conflicting attitudes I regularly argue with about work; 1. work is work. Go in, do your best, go home and enjoy your life. ....vs... 2. you should do what you love!   Here's what I think, My generation has been lied to. My parents told me I was special. My school told me I was special. Social media lets me tell the world that I am special.  But here's the catch; there is absolutely nothing special about me. Never was, probably never will be. Disturbing? Yes. Liberating? Even more so.  I can't even begin to tell you about the shock I got when I realised I was an average girl. I really believed I was the best at everything. I hung on to people's comments to confirm this belief that I could go out and become a doctor because I got 10 / 10 and a gold star in my spelling test. Though I didn't crash all at once.  It was a long fall back to earth.  What's this got to do with work? O...

I've had an idea of something to write about.  Funny that I write now about writing. Well here goes, maybe this is a new goal for me.  Something to work on and work towards.  Shape something bigger than me.  Read. Experience. Write.

I think I'm in the midst of an existential life crisis. At 30, I've pretty much achieved all my life goals thus far. I didn't really think further than this.  First world problems at its best.   OK, let's see: College, done.  Live abroad, 3x done.  Get a good job, check. Quit said job and travel Asia, also done.  Volunteered to make myself feel good, yes.  Got other great jobs, 2x done.  Quit a shit job I didn't like, check (and probably not the last time either!) 'Settled down' with the love of my life and bought a house, yes.   Actually create a healthy and regular gym habit, (smugly) also done.  I am proud of myself but now my actual daydreams consist of winning the lotto. So, you see, this is a problem for me, where does one go from here? I've never suffered more from anxiety or self doubt. I think if I'm to be honest with myself I've always had a sort of goal to work towards, however much I tried to convey an ...